....Born Ready!!

The Enzymes

 The Enzymes was always going to happen, it's just a mystery how it took so long.
The various members were all doing the "speed pop" thing seperately for many years:
Ed was playing such gems as "Da Doo Ron Ron," " Roll Over Beethoven" and "...And Then He Kissed Me" at speeds far in excess of the legal limit as far back as 1984 with The Cups (Perhaps the first band to churn out this kind of earache locally?)
A little later, in 2001 Graham and Craig were lashing out songs at roughly the same pace in Kained Again, the band which would  split in 2004 and eventually become The Enzymes Mark 1.
Some of the Kained Again masterpieces still live on in The Enzymes setlist.
After the demise of Kained Again, The first incarnation of The Enzymes appeared in 2006 featuring Graham on guitar, Mark (formerly of speed punk/metal merchants The Fiend) on drum, Dave Barnes on Bass and Kained Again singer Chris.
Mark 1 lasted til 2007 when for various reasons they decided to call it a day.
But of course once you start something this formidable, you just can't stop. So in 2008 The Enzymes reconvened with a couple of line-up changes: On board came Dave on vocals, Ed on bass and the return of Craig on guitar.
Straight away this combination of characters worked better than they had even hoped!
This is the line up you'll be watching right now. After 4 years together The Enzymes of today is a well-oiled machine.

Dave - Vocals

"Please stop following me...." - George Michael

Dave's hobbies include pondering on the toilet with a newspaper, hedgehog bothering and kiwifruit grooming.






Here's Dave according to Dave -

 "Former bands in order are  CRUMB, STRUNG OUT, WEDGE, PUCK, DON'T TELL JACK, DAMAGED INC, OUR FORMER SELVES and along with being the vocalist in the best band in the world i also moonlight as the bass player in STOMP66.

I have a rare disease called cantstickto1f*ckinginstrumentitis it stops me from being content in just playing in one band with one particular instrument.
Having played with Craig & Graham before in Wedge and Puck, and also as fill in drummer for Kained Again, I am the newest Enzyme.
I have severe me(n)tal tendencies and therefore need to take medication to keep the punk/metal ratio in order. Influences are too many to name but if it rocks then I LIKE IT!"


Noisy Bugger, then.


Craig - Guitar and Tourettes

"Who....?" - Angelina Jolie

 Craig was found by a research team deep in the Patagonian rain forest in 1948.

The only survivor of a light aircraft crash, he was raised by the native baboons, hence his many peculiar mannerisms (some quite useful - he can clear a head of lice in less than a minute, others not so good - never accept peanuts if he offers you any. You don't want to know where he keeps them!)



Here's what Craig has to say about himself -

"Former bands include Ground Zero, Wedge and Puck which then morphed into Kained Again (with Graham.)
Kained Again were the band that would eventually lead to The Enzymes. We started off doing sorta straight covers with a few oddities thrown in at the end for a laugh...which then started to take over the whole set. In this band anything went as long as it was funny, songs, props, films (check out pop idol/blind date on Youtube...actually then again don't). Our philosophy was very simple, "If they're smiling, they're enjoying themselves". There are a lot of great musicians out there playing fantastically well, in truth, i was never gonna be Eddie Van Hendrix....so why try!?
My heroes were performers, Angus Young, Bon Scott, Diamond David Lee Roth, Kiss, Iggy, Sex Pistols....all bands who knew how to put on a show and looked like they were loving every minute of it...that’s all you can ask really.
So c'mon life's too bloody short...have a laugh on us!!"

So there you go….An Exhibitionist!


Graham - Guitar

 "Where did you get this number...?" - Julian Clary

Graham started playing the guitar at a very young age, in fact some say he was born clutching a plectrum.

In his first band  "DEATH BASTARD" at the age of 4, Graham played triangle in the rhythm section. Even at such a young age his musical ability shone through but alas he was not happy in the rhythm section and spent the next few years in and out of different bands waiting for the golden opportunity to stand upfront with the real musicians (and the bass player.)

This eventually happened at the age of ten when he joined the infamous "PIGEON COCKTAIL," a band that can only be described as "quite good really," and had it not been for the fact that they were all too young to drink they probably would have got drunk ….. A lot.

Once again though the band became stale and became a drag so Graham moved on and spent another few years touring around playing clubs and bars and spent his days honing his already brilliant lead guitar skills.

It was during this period he discovered "The Note." A note that had so much feeling it could literally make womens underwear just fall off. Consequently he had to stop wearing womens underwear.

The note made Graham famous throughout the UK during the eighties and when he was on tour with Yazoo in 1986 he played "The Note" during one of his epic solos  and rumour has it that Alison Moyet p*ssed herself a bit.

In the 90s Graham calmed things down quite a bit and spent a few years in the country folk band "CARNIVOR." This is where he learned a lot more about music than he ever thought he would. He came to realise that music isn't just about being the best or being good or being slim its about enjoying yourself so in the fullness of time Graham practiced what he preached and became shit and fat ……….


 Just in time for  THE ENZYMES ............................................TO BE CONTINUED.

Ed - Bass

"Seriously, I'm going to call the police if you don't stop....!" - Boy George


Keen ferret strangler and cheese watcher, Ed was born in Hawaii in 1928, quickly becoming popular with the local wildlife due to his uncanny ability to impersonate a can of Pedigree Chum.

Ed's bass playing abilities are legendary. Bass players flock from miles around to see him in full flight and have even adopted a quaint little ritual to show their admiration. This ritual involves pointing and laughing, followed by shouts of "Play something the bass player knows,"and "Get off, yer crap!"

 He began impersonating a musician in 1963, after reading a musical theory book (not much of a read - the plot had loads of holes in it and the ending was too predictable) and deciding that a crotchet sounded a bit rude and therefore worth looking into more closely.

After a spell with the Whiteleas Philharmonic playing lead glockenspiel and occasional aubergine, he decided after seeing a cheap Strat copy in Music Maker's window that guitar was the way forward.

2 Years later he decided that it had too many long wiry things and as bass had 2 less, then it must be 2 less wiry things easier!

In '81 he became a member of the Cups who reached legendary status on Stanhope Road (the top end, beside the chip shop.)

Ed is sponsored by Odour Eaters.

And Kanga

Mark - Drums

"Drum lessons sonny....?" - Dave Holland


Mark's original career on the North East Music Scene was cut short in 1988 by a self inflicted high-speed drumming accident that bystanders at the time described as "unusual but inevitable".
After regaining consciousness & being adjudged by medical professionals to be "of sound mind & body" (an incredibly tough call to make), he was gravely advised that for the sake of his health he needed to turn his back on drumming for at least 17years.
So in 2005 he bought himself a new drum kit & was happy to find that the passage of time had not dented his already negligible drumming skills.
By 2006 he was ready to join a band, & due to no one else stepping forward he was cautiously embraced by The Enzymes who in the fullness of time have shown their patient ability to tolerate his brisk approach to time-keeping.
2008 proved to be a frustrating year with the singer-less band spending most of the year kicking their heels while searching for a new front-man. Fortunately Mark has been able to assure his Enzyme colleagues that this prolonged bought of inactivity will not affect his ability to play, due to him already failing on a regular basis to achieve any semblance of competence behind the drums.
People who enjoy the technical minutiae of musician's gear will be interested to learn that the drums Mark plays are red sparkley ones made of wood. He also owns 2 metal drums. One is large, black, glossy & loud, the other is larger, gold-ish & louder. His plays cymbals made by someone out of metal, & drumsticks made by someone else out of wood. He finds this more effective than wooden cymbals & metal drumsticks & who are we to argue.
Mark plays either a 5 piece or a 4 piece kit, depending on the square footage of floor space available to him & acoustics of the venue, along with how arsed he can be to pack his car before the gig.
He is a strong advocate of the adage that "less is more" & has proven on many occasions that the perceived disadvantage of playing with fewer drums is more than outweighed by the fact that this gives him the freedom to hit the ones he has harder & more often.
A bit like one of Newton's Laws of Motion but different.